How my first Vegas Elopement taught me an important lesson on healing and goals
Last week I went to Vegas to shoot an elopement. While I was there, I had what can honestly be described as an unreal experience. I know when some of you read this, you’re going to think “stop it, she’s lying. She’s crazy”. I’m not going to argue with you. That’s probably a valid assumption; that this story is crazy. But I challenge that. To me…what is crazy, is this habit that most of us do. The act of seeing other people’s lives through a beautiful filter on social media and then allowing ourselves to believe that what we’re seeing is the truth…..that’s crazy.
I’m going to take this time to be fully transparent. My life is not perfect and filtered. It is very much unfiltered, messy, and yes crazy. So I’m going to share this story with you, and yes it’s about the odd title. The time when I cried with the Big Horn Sheep and whispered to the petroglyphs.
I arrived in Vegas a day before the elopement. I got in early morning, so I had all day to explore. My initial goal was to explore downtown and the strip and do some location scouting. While I was eating lunch, I heard so many sirens. I just assumed it was a bad accident. It’s a large city, and things happen. While I was eating, I got a text from my stepmom, asking if I was okay. This was odd to me. Not because I’m not used to hearing from her. We talk often. What was odd was the random timing of the text. So, I called her. From the tone of her voice, I could tell something was wrong. She asked me again if I was okay and where was I at. I tell her I’m great, just eating some lunch. She then explains that there is an active shooter at the University of Las Vegas. It’s all over the news. I had never been to Vegas before. I could not tell you which part of town I was in. Which part of town UNLV campus was in? So, I pulled up Google Maps…..I was literally across the street from Campus. I happened to be inside where I was eating. I looked out the window to do a scan of the parking lot. I didn’t see anyone running, lying on the ground, etc. People seemed to be going on about their day as normal. So, I calmly walked to my car and drove as far away from that area as I could.
The UNLV is in part of downtown. It is also close enough to the strip, in terms of active shooters, that I did not want to be anywhere near that area. So, I decided I needed to devise a different plan for the day. At that point, my anxiety was going. I didn’t feel comfortable, I was in a city I had never been in before, there was a shooting going on, I had never been in a city that had a shooting actively happen like that. My energy just felt off. I knew I needed to sort myself out, so I could be present for this elopement the next day. I checked in with the couple to make sure they were somewhere safe, they were, they were doing okay. So it was time to do me for a little bit.
I did a Google search on hiking in the Vegas area. The one thing that calms me down more than anything is just being out in nature. I found a trail right outside Vegas. It was only a 20-minute drive and to make it even better, there were Petroglyphs you could see! Now for those of you who do not know what a petroglyph is…Petroglyphs are images created by scratching, engraving, or carving into rocks. Typically, a rock wall. Many Native Americans did this. It was their way of telling the world their story. Some of you may not know this about me. I majored in Linguistics and Art History. I had wanted to be a linguist that translated dead languages. That included translating petroglyphs, runes, hieroglyphics, etc. I have always been fascinated with humankind. How we have evolved over thousands of years but one thing has remained the same….we want to tell our stories. So this was an opportunity for me to nerd out for a bit!
I was so excited for the end destination, the goal, if you will, of getting to see these petroglyphs that I didn’t account for so many things. The shoes I was wearing, the fact I didn’t have any water on me, the fact that this trail is right outside Vegas. What’s right outside Vegas?? Desert. Did I account for what all this trail entailed? No. I read it was a 4-mile loop. I knew I could walk 4 miles. Let’s freaking go!
The first part of the trail was easy. It was loose gravel. Quick side note, walking on loose gravel for several miles, in inappropriate shoes (aka Converse) does not feel great afterward. I loved it though guys. It was so quiet. Not another soul around. I wasn’t on my phone. I didn’t have to answer to anyone. I was out there alone with my thoughts. All I could think about was how freaking cool getting to see these petroglyphs was going to be. I just wanted to get there!
And then the trail got hard. The trail started to wind through a ravine, which then turned into me walking through a canyon. I got excited though because I knew the petroglyphs were on these canyon walls. Then it started to get harder. There were several dried-up waterfalls I had to climb up. Each one got more challenging. Let’s keep in mind what a dried-up waterfall means. It does not mean jagged rocks that provide feet and hand placements so you can climb up. The rocks were smooth and slick. Why? Because that’s what happens to rocks when water consistently flows on them. Another thing to point out. I am not a coordinated person. I have a fear of heights. I love to hike, even in the backcountry….but I have issues. So climbing up these walls was by no means easy for me.
I crabbed walked backwards up one of them. Why? I couldn’t tell you. That was just the method that gave me the least amount of anxiety. I get to the point where I’m at the last dried-up waterfall before I’m in the area where Google Maps showed the petroglyphs to be. I tried to fucking hard to get up this damn thing. There was no easy gripping, my shoes had zero traction. The positions I would have to get into to climb up this wall were challenging and my anxiety was getting the best of me by this point. My body was shaking.
Now…. anxious me wanted to just call it a day. You got some exercise, you moved your body, let's go. But there was a voice in me that I had not heard in a long time. All I wanted was to do something for me. To see something that would bring my soul so much joy. To be a part of something I know I was destined to be a part of. Now some of you may not know this. I left an abusive marriage at the beginning of this year. I spent the better part of a decade constantly trying to make someone else happy. I was told constantly that I was never good enough. I wasn’t a good enough wife, a good enough mother, a good enough woman, a good enough lover, not even a good enough business owner. I was never good enough and I would never be able to become good enough. I would put aside my own needs and wants to try to make this person happen, to try to be good enough. So now this voice in my head said, “Are you really going to abandon yourself again? You’re finally in a place where you are safe. Where you can fill your cup and know what it’s like to feel joy. Are you really going to tell yourself you can’t do this? You may not be able to physically climb this wall. But let’s be honest…were you able to mentally survive all the bullshit this year brought. He always told you that you needed him because you were not good enough on your own. You just survived one of the hardest years that any human would have to survive, and you did it alone. You are good enough, you are strong enough, get your ass up that rock wall!”
I felt a determination in me I had never felt before. If I was just a little bit taller, I could get myself up that wall. I scanned the area. I found several pieces of broken boulders. I pushed as much sand as I could up to the wall. I then started stacking the rocks, so I could get a boost. I was still a little short but I was going to make it work. I felt a little ridge at the top of the wall. I squeezed it as tight as I could with my right hand. I hiked my right leg up and tried pushing up that way. I felt my entire body shaking and my left side starting to slip down. I squeezed the ledge on this wall with my right leg and arm as tightly as I could.
From a spectator’s view, I’m sure it would have looked like the most unflattering spooning session ever. But you know what guys…sometimes it’s not about how you get there, just get there. So here I am spooning this rock wall. Not sure I can pull this off but determined to do it anyway. I said to myself, “Jen…you might have to just roll up this damn thing”. So I swing my left leg up and around. I can feel some flat ground, so I’m pushing as hard as I can with my legs. My left arm is trying to flap behind me, hoping to find something to grab ahold of so I can pull myself over. I’m making what I’m sure sounds like Chewbacca cries as I’m trying to roll myself up this rock wall. Now I don’t know if I just magically found some inner strength or nature took pity on my beach seal body that is bellowing out like Chewbacca as it tries to roll up this rock wall, but either way, I finally made it to the top!
I instantly fall back into a seated position, partly laughing, partly panting. Out of nowhere, a thought comes to my head. It was, “My children would be so proud of me right now”. And just like that, tears started pouring down my face. At that point, some very hard and raw emotions were being released. You see…I know my ex’s abusive behavior was not my fault. However, as a mother, I feel incredibly guilty for the trauma my children have experienced. And the fact that that thought even had space to be in my head.
I have gone on many hikes with just my kids. They are well aware of my coordination struggles. I would never have tried getting up that wall with them. But there I was. I finally did it. And that meant everything. So as I sat there crying I heard a noise. I look over and I kid you not….there were two big horned sheep just staring at me. I’m pretty sure they thought I lost my mind but as I’m sure they witnessed my most ungraceful way of getting up that wall, they knew I was not a threat to them.
So I just sat there, with the Big Horned sheep and cried. Now sure, I could have taken my phone out and had a selfie session with these sheep. But honestly, that’s not what that moment was for. May we never forget to be fully present in the moments that matter the most. So here are a few not-so-great photos of the sheep I snapped when they decided to move on.
After my tears had dried and I said goodbye to my new friends, I went on my way. Google Maps showed I was just a few hundred feet from the area. I had laser vision again. I was determined to get to this spot!
I finally get there and don’t see anything! I instantly became frustrated and angry. I literally went all this way, and put in all this effort for nothing?! I did the work, where is the reward?! I stood there for a while, just letting me feel what I was feeling. I finally calmed down and was ready to accept this journey for whatever it was. I started to slowly make my way back. No longer thinking about the destination or end goal. I am more aware of where I am, and the sounds I hear as my feet move across the boulders. The weightless feeling, I could feel inside after a good cry session. And then….there it was! A petroglyph! I literally walked right past it!
You see….I was so focused on the end goal that I missed the process. I was so focused on the end result that I was blinded to the process. I did not see what I needed to see, I did not do what I needed to do, because I was only focused on the outcome. You cannot get to the finish if you miss the process. The process is what gets you to the finish. It is what matters, not the finish.
I walk up to it, and I can literally touch it. Never have I been able to do that. That experience was so unreal to me. I know that may not be cool to some people, but it was such an important experience to me. Had I not been able to become present at that moment, I would have missed out on such a wonderful opportunity.
Now this may sound a little “woo woo” to some. I whispered to the petroglyphs. I did. I understand it’s just a carving on a rock but at some point, another human being stood where I stood and carved their story into that rock. Sure it probably looked different when they did it, but all these years later another human made it to be a witness to their story. Now sure, I’ll never know what the actual story was. That doesn’t matter though. If you will, there is a spirit or energy to our stories that will forever remain. We don’t need the full story to appreciate another human’s life.
So I whispered with them for a bit and then it was time to head back. I knew now how to approach this elopement. That experience was such a gift for so many reasons.
So as you end this year and prepare to embark on a journey of a new year, may you remember this…
You are good enough.
Stop focusing on the end result.
Focus on the process and allow yourself to be fully present in the journey.
And may you marvel at the opportunities that come your way when you do.
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